Alright, I really didn't/don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I have to vent somewhere..

This is the first year in as long as I can remember that I'm not doing anything on my birthday.. I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my family, but those are never exactly "fun," and apparently Paul's girlfriend is coming too.. so.. super. I really didn't think I would care. I didn't think it would bother me to do nothing; I mean, who do I think I am? Why should my birthday be a big deal anyway?

Besides, I think it's my fault anyway. I have always cared about my birthday so much, because I care about my friends so much. I have always done my best to give really great gifts and let my friends know that I care about them. I guess I stopped trying as hard. A few people actually told me to stop trying so hard, to avoid being offended I guess, but regardless, I adopted this attitude of, "if they don't appreciate it/me, then why bother?" I guess I let that slip too far, because that's not the right thing to do. I know that's not the right thing to do, and I just got too self-involved.. Too selfish..

I've really been challenged this week, to see beyond myself. I've been working hard to let things that hurt me go. I don't want to hold onto things, little things, that don't matter. Money is just money; you can always make more. I've been handling my own money since I was six or so, so it has always frustrated me when friends stress over their money, but again, I'm trying to look past that. Because really, what does it matter? What do money, arguments, anger, frustration, and birthdays really matter? In the long run, they're all silly things to get hung up on. Don't get me wrong, we all have to feel our feelings, or things get really messy.. but I don't want to get stuck on money or birthdays or arguments with friends.

It's just hard being here. I know that's lame.. It's hard being at home when none of your friends are here.. I don't want to have friendships of convenience, I want to have real friendships.. But I mean, maybe there's no such thing. Or maybe I'm supposed to take advantage of some convenient friendship right now.. I don't know. It's just hard when not only are all of your good friends spread out all over, but they also have new groups of friends and therefore don't think about you anymore. I've done that to people.. I know it happens. I guess I deserve it, if you think about it that way. It's just hard always feeling like the one who's trying.. Maybe I've tried so hard for so long, that people don't even realize it or something.

This is all very self-centered and whiny. These things don't matter, and I shouldn't get hung up on them. It's not about protecting myself from being hurt. It's about giving others the chance to hurt me, without letting them. It's about loving everyone, regardless of the times they've hurt me. I've been doing well with that this week, and I don't want to stop.. I don't want to let myself stop, because it's the right thing to do. I know the right things to do, and I need to stick to them. No excuses. 

I've had a fever and a throbbing headache since Monday night and it's really annoying me.. Hah. I'm so over being sickly all the time.. But again, these things don't matter. Everything that happens happens.. and you can get hung up and upset about it, or you can find peace with it and let it be okay. I choose the latter.

I'm making another list.. 101 in 1,001 days. This one would be just for me. I want to put things on it that I've always wanted to do but haven't. 1,001 days is about 2.75 years.. That's so much time it's ridiculous. If I can do 77 in a year, with several of them being multi-items, I can tackle 101 in 1,001, no problem. So far I think I have 45 things on the list.

Single-serving thoughs: I do a pretty good job at keeping myself busy. I can't wait for summer -- so much travel for me. I have more than enough money to pay off all of my student loans already (although I may pay half at first, so I can use some of the money for traveling). My invitation/thank you card/display board business is looking good. There is a lot of inspiration online that I never knew about. I am almost done wtih Lord, Save Us from Your Followers. I need to get closer to Him again.

Thought provoker: What is happiness? If your sense of reality is skewed, but you have convinced yourself that you are happy, are you? If you don't think you're happy but you have every reason to be, are you? I had a similar discussion earlier this week..