Being home is a lot harder than I would have thought. It's not that there are rules I don't want to follow or anything like that, it's just difficult to be away from your good friends. More difficult than I had anticipated.. Part of it is my fault. I have always done this thing where I withdraw into myself when I feel lonely, therefore making myself even lonelier.. I don't know why I do it, but I've done it for as long as I can remember.. When I would get sick in high school, I would get so sad being away from everyone that I just didn't want to be with anyone. I kind of cause my own problems that way.. I think I end up feeling like people don't want to be around me, so by not hanging out with them (even when they ask me to) I'm protecting myself from getting hurt. I don't want to be someone like that though. I need to change that. I think it'll get easier to change now that it's getting nicer outside..

For a while now, I have wondered whether or not I made the right decision to leave Spring Arbor. Although several people assure me that my reasons were good and I chose wisely, I happen to know that I can convince myself of almost anything in a level-headed, logical fashion, as can most people.. I know that the unhappiness I have felt since leaving is mostly due to the dullness of working and living in Canton when no one else does, but regardless, that unhappiness has weighed heavily on my doubtfulness of my decision. I gave up a lot when I left SAU, and those sacrifices have really been bumming me out lately.. When everyone posted their mission trip photos on facebook, I was ridiculously jealous and sad.. PA applications are going in soon, and that also bums me out.. All of my friends are discussing housing for next year, and that's a drag too.

I went back to the Arbor this weekend for Blue G'Noo and overall I just had an awful time. I was hoping that this weekend would give me a better idea of whether or not I should go back, and it was pretty horrible. Recurring issues with a specific friend of mine came to light yet again, and that really let me down.. I lost my stupid phone on the van and it was locked in there until yesterday.. I couldn't find the people I was supposed to hang out with on Saturday (partly because I had no phone).. And I had the worst headache (it was kind of strange, actually). I spent all of my time, aside from actual Blue G'Noo, with Emmaleigh and it was really nice getting to spend so much undivided time with her. It was kind of funny, really, because she wasn't in my agenda initially.. I'm glad that worked out.

After I left, I received a message asking what my problem was, and when I responded honestly and as kindly as I could, I was met with a bit of an uproar. One of my friends has been consistently deceitful with me, regardless of whether or not she wants to admit it, and when I said that and listed examples, she denied them all rather casually. She also told me that she did not want to be my friend anymore because she cannot rearrange her life for me, we don't talk about appropriate things, and I do not encourage her walk with Christ.. Now, this simply makes no sense to me, because the girl's core group is the most inappropriate core group on campus, and she loves it.. Aside from that, prior to her match made in heaven, she and I used to have really great conversations about God and life and the like. It's not that we have bad conversations now, we just rarely have any conversations.. Honestly, I have a feeling that part, if not most, of the blame should go to a certain someone in her life due to personal issues said person apparently has with me, but regardless, I have faith that the whole thing will eventually work out.. I don't know if I should just, I don't know, apologize for standing up for myself? Apologize for having standards when it comes to my friends? I don't know if I should let her walk on me and pray that eventually she stops, or if I should put my foot down and keep it there until she actually admits to and apologizes for treating me like crap.. I'm afraid that this may be a case of my expectations being too high for people, but I don't know. I need to pray about it and I know that, but my whole prayer life is kind of pathetic as of now, and I'm having trouble getting back in the swing of things..

I went back to Spring Arbor to retrieve my phone last night and had a surprisingly pleasant time.. I visited with Brianna Fairhurst while looking for Andrea, and we had a good chat. I ran into Kyle on my way to Brendan's work and it was good to see him. I stopped by the Crusader and that was kind of funny, but nice. Brenbren and I had an hour plus catch up sesh in Steeby House and that was actually really cool. I don't think I've had a decent conversation with him since before Christmas, and I kind of forgot how cool he was. From there I stopped by Emmaleigh's room to see how she was, and then I journeyed home. The evening was so pleasant that I started thinking I may have let last weekend carry too much weight in my mind. Who knows. There is just so much to think about, and I feel so.. I don't know. I feel like I'm floating. Like I'm lost and have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's a strange feeling.

I realized recently that I have been especially unfair to a particular person in my life.. I have never taken the time to get to know this person, and I honestly can't believe that we're still friends. I realized that I have this idea of who this person is in my head and I just assume from there. I have never looked at this person objectively, and that is not fair in any way. I am therefore going to make an effort to start over in my perception. It's going to be difficult..

Other than that, life is boring. I am waiting for a confirmation from Scraft that they've received my high school transcripts.. Once I get that I'll call and make an appointment with an academic advisor and register for classes.. Woo, loads of fun! ;)