Monica

SAU?

2009-08-11T08:12:03Z

Somedays, I miss Spring Arbor. Other days, I am so unbelievably glad that I left.

77 in '07 List

2009-07-17T02:21:44Z

After deleting my myspace months ago, I realized that I also deleted the entire record I had of my 77 list. I finally found a copy that I had printed back in February of '07, so of course, this isn't an accurate list. Hopefully I'll be able to remember what I changed over the course of the year, but I don't know if I will. For now, I'll put the ones I know we took off the list in italics. Anyway, this is how I spent 2007. Enjoy.

Eat an entire Little Caesar's pizza
Eat only organic food for a week
Celebrate Christmas in July
Have crazy hair for at least two weeks
Read seven new fabulous books
Go an entire weekend without sleep (or at least attempt)
Win 12 bets
Go out to eat and order dinner backwards
Try seven new restaurants
Have a day of silence
Sponsor an African baby
Watch movies at the theater all day
Establish a place
Don't spend a single cent for two weeks (excluding gas money)
Don't eat meat for a month
Go to Zack's at 3:37 a.m.
Be part of a protest
Build an incredible snow something
Find 77 new songs to love
Follow a word of the day calendar
Meet 77 new friends
Color an entire coloring book
Solve a Rubik's cube
Sew a fashionable something
Draw in the park with sidewalk chalk
Read the Bible three times a week for at least a month
Become proficient in crochet
Develop an alter-ego
Splurge on crazy amounts of ridiculous make-up
Create a new nickname
Go for a sweet bike ride
Learn a useless skill
Go to the Ben & Jerry's store in Ann Arbor
Re-instate 7 old friendships
Facial, mani-pedi day
Create a sweet collage
Learn bad jokes
Do 3 random acts of kindness
Dress up for a week
Start a collection
TP a whole street of houses
Conquer the Bubble Island menu
Make a piggy bank
Go to a carnival and win something
Do a pilates/yoga routine for a month
Take, mat, and frame a photo for my room
Ride in a horse drawn carriage
Buy something expensive and completely useless
Try COCAINE
Get a makeover at Sephora
Document our lives
Donate old clothes
Complete a 1000+ piece puzzle
Celebrate holidays that don't matter
Re-design and decorate my basement
Participate in a contest
Skip school to do something fabulous
Help out at a shelter
Go to a big time sports game
Harry Potter @ midnight
Have a board game night
Make 7 gifts for people
Purchase seven things from IKEA
Buy something from an antique store
Have a tribute to the 70's party
Have a war
Make jewelry from scratch
Go to 3 concerts
Write a letter to a celebrity
Take 77 amazing pictures
Stalk someone
Buy a little fish and put him in a little bowl
See some sites in Michigan
Go to Traverse City for the Cherry Festival
Watch a ridiculous TV series every month
Plan a trip that we will one day take
Have a party once a month

I wish I could remember this or find a more up to date version, but here are some things that I know I added:

Watch 12 movies I should have seen a long time ago
Tie a message to a balloon and let it go
Send 7 postcards
Send 7 secrets to PostSecret
Have surgery
Send 7 "thank yous"
Give an anonymous gift
Choose a life verse
Apply to three colleges
Go to 5 plays

Human Nature & the Image of God

2009-07-16T03:48:23Z

Assuming there is a God, on what basis does God endow humans with souls?

This question assumes not only that there is a God, but also that this God does in fact endow humans with souls. Personally, I believe both assumptions to be true, but coming up with an explanation for either is another story. Defining the soul in itself is a difficult task. I don’t think there is any better description than the one given in the book: “the essence of a person.” I believe that the soul is the image of God that humans were made to resemble. The flesh and bones of the body merely compose the vessel meant to carry one’s soul throughout the test of life on Earth.

Why God initially gave human beings souls is a mystery to me. Lately, I’ve been picturing God as some sort of mad scientist, carefully designing the universe and planning the creation of His greatest experiment yet: man. However, I believe that God now adds a soul into each person’s shell of a body not merely as an experiment, but because He loves us. God doesn’t have a fancy, hidden, self-gratifying, logical agenda; we are simply the experiment He fell in love with and because He loves us, He gives us each a unique design within our physical bodies and the opportunity to love Him back.

While on Earth, people have the free will to live however they choose. Throughout life, the soul is changed, shaped, and molded depending on the decisions we make and the events that occur around us. Perhaps at the end of human life, the promises of eternal life are contingent upon what we have done to our souls and how our souls have evolved during our time on Earth.

Could this basis be extended to other animals? Why, or why not?

I don’t believe that animals other than humans have souls. Other animals may be able to learn behaviors such as sign language or how to extract termites from hills, but their capacities are limited. Yes, maybe animals have personalities and instincts and emotions similar to those of people, but their capacity for reasoning, logic, curiosity, imagination, and critical thinking is simply nonexistent. One hundred percent of the animal behavior described in the experiments listed in the textbook is learned, whereas part of the soul contains innate qualities unique to each human being, despite the beliefs of behaviorism. I believe that the soul is “the image of God,” and although I love animals and appreciate their presence in the world, I don’t believe that they are made in the image of God like human beings are said to be. Each person has a different set of passions, gifts, abilities, and personality traits that come naturally, for better or worse. Every human being is born with his or her own internal attributes and shortcomings, and those details make up a part of the soul. Those details are simply not present in other animals, regardless of intelligence level or emotional capacity.

Does it matter, even to nonreligious people, if theologians decide that woman is not made in the image of God? Why, or why not?

Quite honestly, I don’t understand how theologians could reach such a conclusion in the first place. Even if it is determined that woman was created in the image of man, was man not created in the image of God? If man is in God’s image and woman is in man’s image, isn’t woman therefore also made in God’s image?

Because the decision that woman is not made in the image of God seems so backwards, idiotic and illogical, I think such a decision would make headlines worldwide. Religious and nonreligious people alike would find this news absurd, I’m sure (not all religious people, but surely some). Men are not greater than women, that much has been proven, so the church proclaiming that they were right initially and men are in fact superior to women would make the nonreligious community take the religious community even less seriously. Adopting such an archaic worldview would make the church and its beliefs seem even more archaic than they already do to the nonreligious people in the world.

Would you live your life differently if you had positive proof that there is no God? Or positive proof that a divine being exists? What changes would you make, and why?

If I had positive proof that there was no God, I would most likely fall into a downward spiral for at least a short while. Parts of my current moral code would disintegrate, and I would lose hope. I would lose hope for better things and I would lose hope and faith in good. Love would take on a new definition if I were positive that God did not exist. To me, God is love, so if there is no God, is there even love? Perhaps these feelings would be temporary, but who’s to say?

Our society would change drastically if there were proof that God did not exist. For starters, “in God we trust” would finally be removed from our currency and our pledge. Separation of church and state would no longer be an issue, and the world would turn to chaos. Regardless of the moral code that people live by according to their conscience, anarchy would reign supreme in a godless world, not because people are no longer afraid of hell or longing for heaven, but because hope would be lost and desperation would have no answer. The majority of the world believes in a higher power, and if all of those people were told that they were wrong and no such being exists, the world would be bedlam.

If I was given positive proof that God or some other divine being did in fact exist, my life would still change. The religions of the world are based on ancient stories passed through the ages, and I am positive that whatever divine being does exist is not the exact being described in any text. Following God would no longer be a question of faith, which to me, is the point of not knowing for sure whether or not God exists. I’m sure I would be addressing this divine being by a new name in my prayers and I would most likely be reading a new text for guidance. I may ultimately choose not to follow this being, but if I made such a decision, I would know what exact consequences I would receive in return.

Everything would be different if one God was discovered with absolute certainty. Laws would be altered throughout the world. People would be upset at first, just as if they were told there were no God, but would eventually strive to follow the existent divine being. The separation of church and state would most likely be abolished, because with one being to follow, one set of rules, what human being could argue what’s right and wrong? The beauty and mystery of faith would be gone, and with it the issues and arguments surrounding religion. This God would be our worldwide leader, and nothing would be the same.

A Long Weekend in Indy

2009-07-14T05:32:14Z

Last week, I hung out with a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time. I like having plenty of things to talk about, even if it means we go weeks without seeing each other. We're all so busy; we're growing up.

On Friday, I went to Indiana with Danielle to visit Priya and see their campus. Priya's parents are just as crazy as ever, and I love them, hahaha. We slept on couches, watched a lot of movies, and explored downtown Indianapolis and Bloomington. We rode on a horse drawn carriage! My second... So nerdy... Anyway, I can't even describe how much I liked IU's campus, which completely surprised me. All I've ever heard about IU is that it's the biggest party school in the country and their greek life is off the charts, so to find out that it's gorgeous and bordered by an absolutely adorable traditional small town full of independently owned shops was a shock. I've never liked U of M's campus really, because the town and campus are so intertwined, and State's campus lacks natural plant life and landforms for the most part. IU's campus was separated from the downtown, but the downtown was still within walking distance. The campus was full of trees and small rivers/creeks, cobblestone pathways through forests and huge planter boxes filled with red and white flowers. I'm really anxious to visit during the year so that I can witness the party scene first hand and get a feel for the student body.

Talking about college with Priya and Danielle was really enlightening. Both of them KNOW what they want to do. Not just what they want to study, but what they want to accomplish in life. I admire that so much... We had a great conversation about education, careers, and the future. It made me realize that the reason I can't find a major, or get excited about ANYTHING is because I don't know where I'm going. I don't have a goal. Priya wants to bring public healthcare and health education to poor communities/countries and Danielle wants to revitalize the city of Detroit. What do I want to do? I'm not positive yet. I have some ideas, but I'm not positive. I just know that I want to do something meaningful. I want to feel like I'm doing something for a reason other than making money to support my pathetically materialistic American lifestyle. I looked at the list of IU majors and schools and whatnot, and it's fascinating how many degrees they have. I mean, you could get a degree in practically anything you want. Looking at the class lists and all of the opportunities reminded me of high school: trying to decide between public and private school. It's obvious that the Park gives students far more opportunities than private schools, and the same goes for a Big 10 school compared to SAU (or any liberal arts school, really). I just have a lot of thinking to do.

I just downloaded all of Eminem's albums on iTunes. Hahaha, gotta support my boy from the D, right?! I've always loved Eminem. Is that weird?

Summer Finally Arrived

2009-06-25T06:40:32Z

To be honest, I really didn't think summer would be anything like a normal summer this year. These past few weeks, however, have been completely summer-like. There's no other way to describe them. Staying out until 4, just because.. Slurpee runs.. Rave parties.. Dodgeball.. 90 degree weather.. Mosquito bites.. Bonfires.. Fireworks.. Gotta love these summer days.

I've been spending a lot of time with rather unexpected people, and I'm learning to appreciate people I've typically had a tough time with. It's funny, after high school and all, who you end up hanging out with...

Anastas' tribal cyberpunk rave was last night and it was a pretty good time. I didn't drink, because I don't, but it didn't really matter. I was shocked at how many people there I knew. RON WAS THERE! Ron is so funny. It was so nice catching up with him. It's weird to think that the summer we spent all our time with them was two years ago.

I do not believe that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" at all. I'm not saying that in a negative way, I honestly think that the more seperated you are from someone, the less attachment you feel to them. At least that's how it is for me. I like things that way. No attachments...

My film class is over; I'm just waiting for my final grade, but it should be an A, which was difficult to motivate myself for. I finish my astronomy class tomorrow. Both classes flew by. It feels like I still have so much to learn! I secretly love astronomy. I think it's sooooo cool... Seriously. Next, I'm taking Philosophy and History of the Contemporary World. In the fall, I'm taking Intro to Econ, Music Appreciation, History of the Early Modern World, Speech, and IPC. Econ is the only class that isn't online, and it's an hour-long night class twice a week. I can handle that.

Once I finish fall semester, I'll be done with my gen ed requirements, and I should be going back to Spring Arbor. Of course, that's completely unofficial; I haven't reapplied or reenrolled or anything. It's just my plan. I can't really explain why I'm going back; I just have to. I know I have to. I'll try to explain later. I know it isn't going to be easy, and I know very few people are going to understand, but I have to. It's where I'm supposed to be, which sounds crazy, but it is.

Paul and I are supposed to go to Missouri Sunday and come back Thursday, which I think is kind of a waste, but Paul cannot sacrifice any more of his precious time with his wifey, so whatever. Jake is going to Seattle on the fourth of July, and I am seriously contemplating going with him, even if he is going to hang out with his WoW buddies (hahahahahahhahaha). I just desperately want to go to Seattle. Maybe someone else will come and we can wander the city together. But really, I probably won't go.

Alright, I'd better get to sleep. I keep sleeping until 2 in the afternoon, which is ridiculous... Of course, Marissa slept until 4:30 today and was an hour late for our plans, so maybe I shouldn't feel bad. G'night all.

Back to Normal

2009-06-17T04:56:42Z

What a nice day.. What a long to-do list I have compiled for myself.. What a busy few days I will be having..

I feel like so much has happened lately. I feel like I'm turning back into myself. I feel better about everything, or I'm starting to at least.

Intro to Film?

2009-06-08T18:42:57Z

This professor is taking his class far too seriously. I have two papers due by midnight. Of course, it's my own fault that I have yet to start them. Hahaha, I am honestly the worst procrastinator when it comes to writing. I can write well, sure, but I push it the very limit as far as time goes.. I wrote every one of my papers at the last minute at Spring Arbor. For Core and for English.. I pulled two all-nighters (but to be fair, I LIKE all-nighters) and I wrote several during the day just before class. If I ever suffered any sort of punishment for this, perhaps I would change my ways. I can't remember the last time I got even a B on a paper.. I'm not trying to brag, mind you, just rationalizing why I do this to myself every time I have to write a paper.

I've selected the films and done the research on them. Now I just have to skim the chapters and slap it onto Word. Woo!

I really like online classes.

Fix It

2009-06-05T06:14:46Z

Sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do, because you have to. Because it's what you're supposed to be doing.

I don't know why this is what I need to do, I just know that it is.

There are so many things I need to fix.

Also, I am going to rip out my throat. It's killing me, and I have no idea why. I don't have tonsils! It shouldn't get sore anymore!

mshanks202 @ 2009-05-29T04:08:00

2009-05-29T08:09:50Z

DONE! See what a little focus (or rather, what the person you've been talking to for four hours signing off) can do for an assignment!

This is outta hand.

Two more due Monday! WOO!

mshanks202 @ 2009-05-29T02:48:00

2009-05-29T06:57:16Z

Alright, finally finished that paper.. I also did my week's astronomy homework that was due tonight.. And now I have another paper due at noon that I have yet to write. I have one sentence so far.. Which is really a pretty good start for me, even if I wrote it three hours ago.. I can't go to sleep before it's done because I'll never get up before noon to finish and send it. Oye. Why do I do this to myself? Haha, I suppose I work better at night anyway..

skewl is for dweebs

2009-05-27T05:56:42Z

I honestly cannot remember the last time I procrastinated this long. I have been meaning to write this damn paper since last week! I meant to write it yesterday, officially. But of course, I didn't start reading the chapter when I had intended to, because sitting in the yard, soaking up sun and chatting with momma sounded more appealing. I finally did my "research" last night, and meant to write the paper then, but of course there were people online who I talked to instead. I never even "IM" people anymore! What is wrong with me?! I meant to write it today, but instead I went to the mall with Rachel, picked up tickets, and watched the Pens sweep the Canes. I meant to write it after the game, but someone worth talking to was online yet again. And here I am.. two in the morning with no paper written. And I know I'm too tired now to write a decent paper anyway.

Of course, the paper isn't due until noon on Friday, but there is another paper due with it, that I have yet to do the reading for, and then two more papers are due on Monday. This prof takes his class way too seriously. It's a 100 level, online, intro to film class at SCRAFT.. Who is he kidding?

Oye, I suppose I will wake up and write the paper tomorrow, and hopefully get the reading done for the next one.. Along with my astronomy work for the week..

But tomorrow night, I'M GOING TO GAME FIVE!!!! I am beyond excited.. I honestly am so excited I could explode. Oh geez..

I decided that I am going to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish this summer. I just thought of this, but I should write my list at Bombadill's! The coffee shop where I have made so many other lists.. Yes, that sounds like a plan. Anyone who would like to accompany me is more than welcome to do so. Please let me know.

Oh summer..

Summer

2009-05-22T06:55:52Z

I just want to go to a lake, smoke cloves, and think about life.
For like, a whole day.
Anybody wanna come?

"Be Who You Is"

2009-05-10T06:32:24Z

I officially enrolled in all my spring and summer classes at Scraft earlier this week. I even paid in full! Supposedly Pete's mom is going to give me the $1k she gives all her grandkids for each semester, but no official word on that yet. I hope she does; once I have that money I can comfortably pay off my SAU student loans! Of course, my mom is trying to pressure me into paying it off gradually.. "It's good to have money in the bank!" We'll see. I haven't made a decision..

I started my two online spring classes yesterday, and they're a joke. I just don't understand the education system. "Take these useless classes, regardless of what you already know or your actual level of intelligence, and eventually we'll give you a piece of paper saying you're a worthwhile human being who will be useful in the workplace." That's honestly how I see it, and I figure, if that's how it works, why the hell would I spend boatloads when I could spend pennies?

I haven't felt 100% the past few days, but I didn't think too much about it. I mean, you know those days where you just feel kind of off? Well, tonight I started feeling not so good, and I ended up having a fever. FML. Swine flu. Hahah, maybe not, but I at least have a cold!

Today ended up being far more enjoyable than I anticipated. I had such a nice time, and I never would have guessed..

I have to go to Spring Arbor this week to get possesions of mine that people have yet to return to me, and I am really not looking forward to it. I am so incredibly bitter at almost everyone there, it isn't even funny. I want to have to see anyone, with the exception of like, two. Those people just don't make any effing sense. "We love Jesus, and we love you, but don't be surprised if we completely fail as friends!" Don't even get me started on those bitches. Geez..

My Uncle John came over today to give us mushrooms he dug up in the woods, and he visited with us for a while. He is my favorite uncle, but I think that would shock him. Hahah, he's so funny.. Everyone in our family thinks he is such an ass, but I honestly think he's great. He cares about actually being a good person as opposed to pretending to be, and I admire that. Tomorrow another one of my uncles is coming over for dinner and the Red Wings game, and that should be okay. It can get awkward, because he was my dad's best friend when my mom and dad were dating/married.. But I think it'll be okay. Due to his semi-recent legal and financial issues, he tends to be on his best behavior around us.

I've been thinking lately about who I want to be.. Prof Bippes always used to say, "be who you is, because if you aint who you is, then you is who you aint," which is logical. But what if I don't want to be who I am? What about the things I don't like about myself? I need to be who I aint, so I can become who I want to be, right? But who do I want to be? I just don't know anymore..

scraft

2009-05-05T06:48:26Z

I finally went to see an "academic advisor" and it was the biggest waste of time ever. The woman I saw knew less about transferring from Scraft to State than I did, and she didn't have an answer for the ONE question I had. Go figure. I encountered some interesting people while I waited for an hour and a half though.. Silver lining! :) Hahah

After I left, Spring Arbor's newspaper turned into a magazine.. WTF.

I love beautiful days like today and yesterday.

I need to start respecting people more.

My focus is going to be on doing the right thing; I'm not going to get hung up on particulars for now.

oye

2009-05-04T04:56:56Z

Well, as usual, it's been a while. Hah.

I don't do much these days. I actually keep myself rather busy, but I think I learned to do that during months spent at home, sick in bed. It's almost like a self-defense mechanism or something. I work, clean the house (and get paid), watch playoff hockey, crochet stuffed animals, and complete other projects I come across. I'm currently helping my mom re-do the kitchen and I just finished a display board for Jessica's, Paul's girlfriend's, graduation party.

Most of my friends are finally finishing school and it's so nice to have them around again. I had lunch today with Casey, Stephen, Megan, Sean, and his roommate. Haha, I always forget how funny I think Stephen is around Casey. I really missed Megan; she hasn't changed at all, really. Friday Jessica, Casey, Sean Trombley, BABY/BIG BOY Chase, and I went to the Green Street Fair in DTP and it was kind of a let down.. But I did get some Ocean Salt from the Lush booth which is always good.. My mom had had a throbbing toothache for a few days and she finally went to the dentist yesterday morning.. They found out that a tooth they had previously put a crown on needed a root canal and was severly infected. My momma can be a trooper as far as pain is considered, and she was in tough shape yesterday, so I took care of her. I didn't really have a choice since Paul and Pete both left, but I figure it's the least I can do after all the time's she's taken care of my deathly-ill self.. She was better today; she could talk at least and supposedly she should be even better tomorrow.

Scraft is supposed to start on Friday, but (hahah) I have yet to register for classes.. I have to go see an academic advisor before it'll let me register, and I just think that's dumb, so I haven't gotten around to going. I'm planning on at least calling tomorrow if I don't make it up there. We'll see. I'm really not too worried.

I was supposed to take my grandma to Texas in a few weeks, but my uncle doesn't want her to get swine flu via Texas OR the plane, so he cancelled the trip. I've decided that it's the trip that isn't meant to be.

I'm thinking about going to Utah this summer to visit Miranda. I need to go somewhere, so I'm looking for destinations.

Apparently I will be a furniture refinishing guru by the time summer is over. I have an old, anitque chair in my room right now that I want to reupholster, and Jessica and Megan have both asked me to help them redo furniture for their future apartment/house. I think it'll be a blast and a half, to be honest.

No one has bought graduation party invitations from me. Granted, I haven't been overly agressive in my advertising strategies, but still.. I'm considering having a "package deal" on a display board + grad invites.. Regardless, I'm pretty sure that Michigan's economy is wearing on my business.

I desperately need to start working out again. I feel so out of shape it isn't even funny. I mean, I don't even walk around anymore! I don't go to school, so there is no where for me to walk! I went to State last weekend and I could barely keep up with the slowest walker I know -- pathetic. I also need to start eating all my organic stuff that I LOVE again. I miss having apples and grapes at the DC, as bizzare as that sounds..

Spring Arbor is not the place for me. No way, no how. I am not a good enough Christian for Spring Arbor. I don't know if there is such a thing, really, but that has been expressed to me by a few people, so as far as ever returning goes, no thanks. All I have to say is, don't call me your "best friend" if you don't ACTUALLY want to be my friend. I mean really. Hahah, I am sooo not a good enough Christian for Spring Arbor.

I feel like May has come really fast. It seems like Christmas break was just here, and summer before that. To be completely honest, my semester at Spring Arbor doesn't even seem real anymore. No one that I was friends with even talks to me anymore. But really, what did I expect?

I recently bought a fancy black dress that I looooveeee and I want a nice occassion to wear it to. I've been invited to three weddings for this summer, but I don't know if I'll go to any. One is out by Spring Arbor for a core-mate, and I really just don't fit in with my core very well. I feel awkward around them. Another is for a former good friend that I rarely talk to anymore.. I won't really know anyone at the wedding, but I do want to go. The third is for my cousin who isn't sending out formal invitations, apparently. Her wedding is on a beach in Florida, which sounds excellent, but I don't know if Paul will be able to go.

I think this summer is going to be good. I feel like it at least has potential.

SAU Drama

2009-04-03T04:12:05Z

Being home is a lot harder than I would have thought. It's not that there are rules I don't want to follow or anything like that, it's just difficult to be away from your good friends. More difficult than I had anticipated.. Part of it is my fault. I have always done this thing where I withdraw into myself when I feel lonely, therefore making myself even lonelier.. I don't know why I do it, but I've done it for as long as I can remember.. When I would get sick in high school, I would get so sad being away from everyone that I just didn't want to be with anyone. I kind of cause my own problems that way.. I think I end up feeling like people don't want to be around me, so by not hanging out with them (even when they ask me to) I'm protecting myself from getting hurt. I don't want to be someone like that though. I need to change that. I think it'll get easier to change now that it's getting nicer outside..

For a while now, I have wondered whether or not I made the right decision to leave Spring Arbor. Although several people assure me that my reasons were good and I chose wisely, I happen to know that I can convince myself of almost anything in a level-headed, logical fashion, as can most people.. I know that the unhappiness I have felt since leaving is mostly due to the dullness of working and living in Canton when no one else does, but regardless, that unhappiness has weighed heavily on my doubtfulness of my decision. I gave up a lot when I left SAU, and those sacrifices have really been bumming me out lately.. When everyone posted their mission trip photos on facebook, I was ridiculously jealous and sad.. PA applications are going in soon, and that also bums me out.. All of my friends are discussing housing for next year, and that's a drag too.

I went back to the Arbor this weekend for Blue G'Noo and overall I just had an awful time. I was hoping that this weekend would give me a better idea of whether or not I should go back, and it was pretty horrible. Recurring issues with a specific friend of mine came to light yet again, and that really let me down.. I lost my stupid phone on the van and it was locked in there until yesterday.. I couldn't find the people I was supposed to hang out with on Saturday (partly because I had no phone).. And I had the worst headache (it was kind of strange, actually). I spent all of my time, aside from actual Blue G'Noo, with Emmaleigh and it was really nice getting to spend so much undivided time with her. It was kind of funny, really, because she wasn't in my agenda initially.. I'm glad that worked out.

After I left, I received a message asking what my problem was, and when I responded honestly and as kindly as I could, I was met with a bit of an uproar. One of my friends has been consistently deceitful with me, regardless of whether or not she wants to admit it, and when I said that and listed examples, she denied them all rather casually. She also told me that she did not want to be my friend anymore because she cannot rearrange her life for me, we don't talk about appropriate things, and I do not encourage her walk with Christ.. Now, this simply makes no sense to me, because the girl's core group is the most inappropriate core group on campus, and she loves it.. Aside from that, prior to her match made in heaven, she and I used to have really great conversations about God and life and the like. It's not that we have bad conversations now, we just rarely have any conversations.. Honestly, I have a feeling that part, if not most, of the blame should go to a certain someone in her life due to personal issues said person apparently has with me, but regardless, I have faith that the whole thing will eventually work out.. I don't know if I should just, I don't know, apologize for standing up for myself? Apologize for having standards when it comes to my friends? I don't know if I should let her walk on me and pray that eventually she stops, or if I should put my foot down and keep it there until she actually admits to and apologizes for treating me like crap.. I'm afraid that this may be a case of my expectations being too high for people, but I don't know. I need to pray about it and I know that, but my whole prayer life is kind of pathetic as of now, and I'm having trouble getting back in the swing of things..

I went back to Spring Arbor to retrieve my phone last night and had a surprisingly pleasant time.. I visited with Brianna Fairhurst while looking for Andrea, and we had a good chat. I ran into Kyle on my way to Brendan's work and it was good to see him. I stopped by the Crusader and that was kind of funny, but nice. Brenbren and I had an hour plus catch up sesh in Steeby House and that was actually really cool. I don't think I've had a decent conversation with him since before Christmas, and I kind of forgot how cool he was. From there I stopped by Emmaleigh's room to see how she was, and then I journeyed home. The evening was so pleasant that I started thinking I may have let last weekend carry too much weight in my mind. Who knows. There is just so much to think about, and I feel so.. I don't know. I feel like I'm floating. Like I'm lost and have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's a strange feeling.

I realized recently that I have been especially unfair to a particular person in my life.. I have never taken the time to get to know this person, and I honestly can't believe that we're still friends. I realized that I have this idea of who this person is in my head and I just assume from there. I have never looked at this person objectively, and that is not fair in any way. I am therefore going to make an effort to start over in my perception. It's going to be difficult..

Other than that, life is boring. I am waiting for a confirmation from Scraft that they've received my high school transcripts.. Once I get that I'll call and make an appointment with an academic advisor and register for classes.. Woo, loads of fun! ;)

Change

2009-03-30T06:04:18Z

I reeeeeally don't want to need people to be okay.

I just reread some of my old posts, and I need to continue working on a couple of goals that I have let myself forget.

I think change is sometimes, if not always, a constant effort.

mshanks202 @ 2009-03-25T01:55:00

2009-03-25T06:20:34Z

I thought of one more thing:

61.) Finally do something with the super cool windows I bought forever ago.

Today was a normal day. It was nice, actually. I woke up and instead of cleaning the house like I was supposed to, my mom told me to wait since Pete was staying home and he would make cleaning impossible.. So I got to sleep in. :) I finally went in to see Mrs. Gee, and I took about a third of the yearbooks I had stockpiled in my room. Chase Woolner was there, and it was sooooo cool getting to hear about his awesome life living on a mountainside in California, being a superstar.. The man is so the man, and is clearly already a success.. I caught up on silly yearbook drama and gossip, talked with Bree and Kevin (both of whom I appreciate so much more now), and met some cool puppet people.. Haha. I also saw the latest edition of the Perspective, which apparently came out on February 2nd, 2008.. Anywayyy, I always love talking to Geedawg, and her reaction to my leaving Spring Arbor was hilarious.. She seemed to think that 16 credits online would be hard, but I'm pretty sure it won't be. Maybe I'm being arrogant and overconfident.

Emily came in to work yesterday to visit, and it was great seeing her as well. I don't even know when I saw her last, but I'm sure it's been months. She looks the same; she always does.. I've known her my entire life and I don't remember her ever looking any different..

Work is boring and dramatic. It's the same old same old, really, but Pete is beyond stressed. Along with his heightened stress levels, he threw out his back (AGAIN) lifting things that he can't handle.. The man hasn't exercised EVER, to my knowledge, so I don't know why he thinks he can do these things.. The real problem, however, is that he refuses to get any help with any of his problems. He stayed home today because of his back.. The man is hobbling around the house with a cane (at age 52, by the way) but will not go to the doctor, under any circumstance.. It's ridiculous.. He hollers at all of us to get him this or that, is completely unpleasant, but refuses to do anything to help himself.. Ugh, I probably shouldn't complain.

I am almost done with my Spring Arbor album, which is very exciting.. I have two pages left! Finishing will be strange, but I want to be done with it before I go back to visit this weekend. I'm oddly excited to go back. I feel like my motives are impure though.. I miss knowing what's going on in everyone's life! I actually do miss my friends, but I really don't feel like they reciprocate, so I'm finding other reasons to visit. I want to see what everyone is up to these days. It really is frustrating when they don't facebook me back, as lammeeee as that sounds, but it's like.. Do they not want me to visit? Confusing.

Is it awful that I think it's healthy for a couple to break up? That is quite possible extreme cynicism, but I don't think I mean it to be.. Ugh, I just think it is ridiculous and absurd when a couple thinks that they are going to get married and have children and be together forever and ever amen, particularly when the members of that couple are in their teens and have been dating for a few months.. I find it completely nauseating when a couple sits around and publically discusses their possible baby name choices, but apparently that's normal? Because no one else seems to think that is insane.. I think it is acceptable, mature, and healthy to WANT to be single in order to figure stuff out.. in order to find yourself.. Am I crazy? It's hard supporting the side you disagree with, but the side I disagree with is the side that needs my support. I think that's part of what being a friend is about. I'll speak my piece eventually. Crazy kids..

101 in 1,001

2009-03-23T04:32:16Z

This is what I have so far.. I still need a lot more.. PLEASE help!

1.)   Go to a film festival
2.)   Go to three art fairs
3.)   Keep a doodle book
4.)   Read 15 books
5.)   Learn the history of Hockeytown
6.)   Take a road trip
7.)   Put up art/posters/photos in my room
8.)   Sponsor a child and maintain contact with him/her
9.)   501 Movies
10.)   See all of Ewan McGregor’s movies
11.)   See all of Daniel Craig’s movies
12.)   See all of Jack Nicholson’s movies
13.)   Send a card to Grandma once a month
14.)   Get a tattoo
15.)   Go to Seattle
16.)   Go to Chicago
17.)   Picture-a-day journal
18.)   Go to St. Louis for a Wings’ game with Dad
19.)   Finally buy an exercise bike
20.)   Use the exercise bike five times a week
21.)   Practice vegetarianism for a month
22.)   Give up soda for a month
23.)   Learn about politics and actually form opinions
24.)   Stop using plastic grocery bags
25.)   Get/make a paper recycling bin for my room
26.)   Make and give away 50 gifts
27.)   Give away one item of clothing for each item I purchase
28.)   Buy and find uses for three dresses/skirts
29.)   Write once a week
30.)   Camp
31.)   Ice skate
32.)   Ride a motorcycle
33.)   Paint three paintings
34.)   Learn to make mosaics
35.)   Find five inspirational artists to admire
36.)   Find and support a charity that I really believe in
37.)   Attempt to snowboard
38.)   Go to Canada
39.)   Learn to knit – FOR REAL
40.)   Take a cake decorating class
41.)   See all of one year’s Oscar nominees
42.)   Send 12 “just because” cards
43.)   Volunteer
44.)   Learn to love people – all people – unconditionally
45.)   Go to church (any church…)
46.)   Geocache
47.)   Buy and wear a pair of pointy-toe shoes
48.)   Save all of my change and do something really amazing with it when the list is done
49.)   Reupholster my chair
50.)   Floss weekly
51.)   Walk in Hines Drive
52.)   Write fan mail
53.)   Get a mani/pedi
54.)   Go to the zoo with my mom
55.)   Visit three museums
56.)   Take 100 pictures that I’m happy with
57.)   Get my scrapbooks up to date
58.)   Downsize my DVD collection to 25 essentials
59.)   Attempt to complete the Guerilla Art Kit
60.)   Leave notes in 20 library books

I still need 41 things! I didn’t think coming up with things would be tough! PLEASSEEE help! :)

birthdayy

2009-03-22T06:23:28Z

I feel very content, and it feels very good.
I also feel very proud of myself, which is probably silly.

My birthday was yesterday (Friday), and I didn't get mad at anyone (well, I didn't STAY mad at anyone). I didn't get upset or cry irrationally ONCE, and I generally had a good day. I got up for our lovely family tradition at six something in the morning.. and quickly went back to bed. I then proceeded to sleep until around one, which felt amazing. Once I got up, I got a phone call from a flower place and had to wait for my floral delivery from my dad.. That was a nice surprise. :) Once the flowers arrived, I returned my long overdue movies to Blockbuster and finally mailed my transcript request to Canton. I also went to Old Navy to get a new pair of jeans, since I ripped my favorite pair. After I got home, I got ready and went out to dinner with my family + Jessica (Paul's girlfriend) and had a surprisingly pleasant time. Paul and I got along really well, which is always nice, and I enjoyed Jessica's company more than I ever have. We then came home and watched the Wings' game, and I opened my presents.. My mom got me a really nice bag, a tablet that I really wanted, and a crochet pattern book for adorable Japanese animals.. Pete gave me a 16 gb USB drive and some cash.. Paul gave me a PostSecret book, a Bob Dylan CD, and a hoodie from my really embarrassing, favorite TV show (hahah).. Jessica even got me a couple of books: The Know-It-All and The Year of Living Biblically, both by A. J. Jacobs, who I just found out shares my birthday, oddly enough. They were all very kind gifts, and I was actually kind of surprised at how much I appreciated them all.

Priya had asked me to text her when I got up this morning, to see if we could grab breakfast, but I slept until two in the afternoon, so I assumed she had already left for IU.. That was dumb on my part, however, because she apparently hadn't.. Anyway, I slept until two and then cleaned my room. I got an arm chair that no one was using in our house and it's in my room now. It's currently a really hideous shade of mauve, but I'm hoping to learn to reupholster it sometime.. Maybe a nice zebra print.. ;) I also did some laundry, hung everything up on my walls, played with my tablet, and started reading my new PostSecret book.. Very eventful day..

Tomorrow I plan on sleeping as long as I want yet again, finishing my laundry, and making headway on my Spring Arbor album. I really want to finish it soon. I've taken a rather long pause, and I need to finish it up.. I think I only have ten pages to go.

This week I should be working tons, but I don't want to jinx myself.. Hah. Aside from that, I may be going to Ann Arbor at some point, I will hopefully be able to watch some HP with Anthony, and I'm heading back to Spring Arbor on Friday for Blue G'Noo. I'm excited to spend time with my Core more than anything.. Kyle won't be there, which is a huge bummer. I've been kind of disappointed in a few of my Spring Arbor friends lately, and I'm trying not to be.. Hopefully seeing them will remind me of how much I actually like them... Hahah.

I really miss Jessica Werth these days.. I miss talking to her about stuff that she just gets. I can't wait for it to be summer so that I can see everyone again.. It'll probably be a strange summer.. I have a feeling it will be weird, but I'm hoping it won't be. I don't even know how much I'll really be around.. I'm officially going to Dallas in May, and supposedly Seattle in August or September.. I'm really excited about those things. :)

I'm making good progress on my list-writing.. I'm hit kind of a block at around 50 things.. If you have any suggestions, PLEASE, let me know!

love errybody

2009-03-19T04:39:02Z

Alright, I really didn't/don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I have to vent somewhere..

This is the first year in as long as I can remember that I'm not doing anything on my birthday.. I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my family, but those are never exactly "fun," and apparently Paul's girlfriend is coming too.. so.. super. I really didn't think I would care. I didn't think it would bother me to do nothing; I mean, who do I think I am? Why should my birthday be a big deal anyway?

Besides, I think it's my fault anyway. I have always cared about my birthday so much, because I care about my friends so much. I have always done my best to give really great gifts and let my friends know that I care about them. I guess I stopped trying as hard. A few people actually told me to stop trying so hard, to avoid being offended I guess, but regardless, I adopted this attitude of, "if they don't appreciate it/me, then why bother?" I guess I let that slip too far, because that's not the right thing to do. I know that's not the right thing to do, and I just got too self-involved.. Too selfish..

I've really been challenged this week, to see beyond myself. I've been working hard to let things that hurt me go. I don't want to hold onto things, little things, that don't matter. Money is just money; you can always make more. I've been handling my own money since I was six or so, so it has always frustrated me when friends stress over their money, but again, I'm trying to look past that. Because really, what does it matter? What do money, arguments, anger, frustration, and birthdays really matter? In the long run, they're all silly things to get hung up on. Don't get me wrong, we all have to feel our feelings, or things get really messy.. but I don't want to get stuck on money or birthdays or arguments with friends.

It's just hard being here. I know that's lame.. It's hard being at home when none of your friends are here.. I don't want to have friendships of convenience, I want to have real friendships.. But I mean, maybe there's no such thing. Or maybe I'm supposed to take advantage of some convenient friendship right now.. I don't know. It's just hard when not only are all of your good friends spread out all over, but they also have new groups of friends and therefore don't think about you anymore. I've done that to people.. I know it happens. I guess I deserve it, if you think about it that way. It's just hard always feeling like the one who's trying.. Maybe I've tried so hard for so long, that people don't even realize it or something.

This is all very self-centered and whiny. These things don't matter, and I shouldn't get hung up on them. It's not about protecting myself from being hurt. It's about giving others the chance to hurt me, without letting them. It's about loving everyone, regardless of the times they've hurt me. I've been doing well with that this week, and I don't want to stop.. I don't want to let myself stop, because it's the right thing to do. I know the right things to do, and I need to stick to them. No excuses.

I've had a fever and a throbbing headache since Monday night and it's really annoying me.. Hah. I'm so over being sickly all the time.. But again, these things don't matter. Everything that happens happens.. and you can get hung up and upset about it, or you can find peace with it and let it be okay. I choose the latter.

I'm making another list.. 101 in 1,001 days. This one would be just for me. I want to put things on it that I've always wanted to do but haven't. 1,001 days is about 2.75 years.. That's so much time it's ridiculous. If I can do 77 in a year, with several of them being multi-items, I can tackle 101 in 1,001, no problem. So far I think I have 45 things on the list.

Single-serving thoughs: I do a pretty good job at keeping myself busy. I can't wait for summer -- so much travel for me. I have more than enough money to pay off all of my student loans already (although I may pay half at first, so I can use some of the money for traveling). My invitation/thank you card/display board business is looking good. There is a lot of inspiration online that I never knew about. I am almost done wtih Lord, Save Us from Your Followers. I need to get closer to Him again.

Thought provoker: What is happiness? If your sense of reality is skewed, but you have convinced yourself that you are happy, are you? If you don't think you're happy but you have every reason to be, are you? I had a similar discussion earlier this week..

updatez!

2009-03-16T04:38:39Z

I am starting a business. Well, kind of. I haven't even started though, and I already have four requests. $$$
I am going to start keeping a journal and a sketchbook. For real, though.
I am writing another list: 101 in 1,001 days. It's not original or anything. But this time, it's just for me.
I loved today's weather.
I am reading more.
I am setting goals.
I am registering for classes soon.
I am discovering inspiring things everywhere.

Carly Simon <3

2009-03-09T05:46:07Z

I am officially cured of the flu, thank God.

I am currently listening to two old skewl Carly Simon albums I rediscovered during my quest for legal music. I also found my old Steve Miller Band album, a James Taylor album, and a Police album.

Friday was absolutely beautiful. I honestly think I may have that stupid, fake sounding, "S.A.D." thing that Michiganders are apparently prone to. I really do get fairly depressed and devoid of energy in the winter months.. But once the sun reappears, look out, because I will suddenly be filled with the fervor of an eight year old on Christmas morning.

So Friday I worked, went to the Credit Union, had my mom's car washed, and cleaned the whole thing out. Then I went birthday shopping for Paul and bought him four books. Saturday it rained, and all that energy evaporated. I cleaned my room, went to Penney's to buy Red Wings apparel on sale, did laundry, and wrapped presents for Pauliewog. My family Jessica went out to dinner at J. Alexander’s, which was delicious, and then Paul opened his gifts. My mom got him a Zetterberg jersey and he couldn't have been more thrilled. After that I decided to go buy a cd sleeve case for all my newly purchased albums, but of course Target was closed. I went to Meijer and Walmart, neither of which had ANY cd cases. And then I came home and watched the Wings' game that we had recorded. The game was horrible.. The defense was atrocious and completely left Ozzie out to dry, which I'm sure forced his confidence to plummet once again. We only have 16 games left, and we'd better seriously get it in gear if we want to snag first from San Jose...

By the way, I'm really into the Red Wings now. Hah. It's one of the things I've decided to be interested in during my lack of higher educating.

I've also decided to be interested in music for real. I've always kind of half-assed my music interests because so many people were "SO INTO" music. But I've realized that I like different music than most of the people I interact with now days, so I can be fully interested in it.

Lately my late nights have been consumed with college planning. I think it's because I am so bored and displeased with my current situation. I really didn't think I would MISS learning things.. I have realized that Schoolcraft has the potential of being far too easy, which may cause me to cease doing any work whatsoever. That means that I have to put forth extra effort just to stay motivated. I have an especially hard time when I feel that a class is pointless or beneath me (arrogant, I know). That was my issue with CORE (a.k.a. the most pointless class ever forced upon a freshman). I've been looking at how credits transfer from Scraft to MSU; because I have finally realized that I enjoy being challenged at least a little, and that the lack of a challenge is probably what has kept me so against school for the past few years. Aside from that, I hear that State is not as difficult as I thought it was for some reason, and I really did fall in love with the campus at first sight. Side note - I'm really excited to check out East Lansing for my birthday. Only one of State's gen ed requirements isn't offered at Scraft, along with two upper level requirements that "must be taken at MSU." I think I've decided to major in Communication, because it's general enough for me to do a lot of things. I may minor in art, but as much "natural talent" as I may have, I just don't want to study art. Maybe one day I will, but for now, it's just not something I want to do. I can take four of the required Communication Major classes at Schoolcraft before I transfer, which is a pretty good deal. If all goes as planned, by the time I get to State, I'll have three gen eds left along with the rest of my comm major. It may take me more than four years to graduate, but to be honest, I'd be kind of surprised if it did. I'm okay with a heavy course load, and it actually bothers me that there aren't more classes for me to take at Scraft. Right now I'm looking at 16 credits over the Summer and 28 during Fall and Winter. I know I can handle more than that, especially at Scraft, and I wish there were more transferable classes... But what can ya do. You know, I almost applied to MSU my senior year, but I didn't want to write an essay.. Hah.

This week I plan on working as much as I can. I missed out on a lot of hours last week because of the flu, so I want to make up for that this week. I also desperately need a haircut from Christy, and I want to finally get all my stuff up on my walls. I am supposed to go visit Casey sometime this week, which I'm looking forward to, and I may stop and see Neal Shah as well (since I have been avoiding him for months...). Hopefully I'll be able to hang out with Ron sometime, but who knows. I need to have my high school transcripts sent to Scraft this week and I need to make an appointment to see an academic counselor (which is a requirement for new students?!).

This summer I want to go places. I am supposed to go to Dallas with my grandma to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins, I am hopefully going to make it to Seattle with my aunt, and I am supposedly going to Chicago with Jessica. So many people have told me, "oh, we'll go to Chicago sometime!" that I've stopped believing them, but we'll see what happens. I'd better get there with someone at least. I was naively entertaining the idea of an east coast road trip for a while, but I have a feeling it'll be a while before that turns into a reality. I did ask for road trip guidebooks for my birthday though. Hah. I want to make an effort to visit my dad for a while this summer, and hopefully I'll get to go to at least one more place. I don't know where, but somewhere.. Hah. Maybe I'll go to Houston again..

I also have more college visits to make before summer even hits. I want to visit Megan at Western, Priya and Danielle at IU, Carolyn at Purdue, Rebecca at Eastern, and I will hopefully be making more trips to State, Spring Arbor, and Central. Once the weather perks up, college visit road trips will be far more enjoyable though. I can't wait for Spring.

I'm going to East Lansing for my birthday with a group of friends. Casey, Whitney, Kayla, Sean, Kyle, hopefully Jake, possibly Stephen, and possibly Josiah are coming. Stephen says he isn't coming, but knowing Stephen, I don't want to count him as 100% either way as of yet. Jessica can't make it, which is a bummer, but I'm sure we'll have fun anyway. I really didn't want to go there. I wanted to go to Grand Rapids.. But the hotels were expensive and there was literally nothing going on there.. Then I looked in Kzoo but no one wanted to go there, and there weren't any events or anything.. Kayla suggested Lansing and when I looked into that, there were actually activities and ridiculously cheap hotels, so there ya have it. There is a film festival Friday night that we're going to go to, and a free art gallery that we're going to check out on Saturday along with a bunch of shops and restaurants. I'm pretty excited. I booked two hotel rooms and I felt like such a grown up.. It was so exciting.

I don't know how I manage to have so much to say in these entries. I always ramble. Forgive me.

Last note, I just got a text from Will Selander that read, "How do I wash coats?"
It's quarter to two.. Isn't that humorous?

Writer's Block: Desert Island Time

2009-03-09T05:05:08Z

You're packing your bag for that magical desert island that happens to have electricity, a TV, and a DVD player—what five DVDs do you take with you?

View 501 Answers

I've never done one of these before.. But here it goes..

1. Snatch
2. Ocean's 11
3. Pineapple Express
4. Green Street Hooligans
5. Moulin Rouge

flu of deathhhh!

2009-03-03T06:57:38Z

I sound like a six year old with the black lung and a smoker's cough.

I feel like i chugged a gallon of rubbing alcohol after swallowing a crate of razors.

I currently possess the energy of sloth and the apathy of a stereotypical emo kid.

Haha, I hate being this sick. It's so annoying.. I need to be doing things! I need to be living life! I need to get out of this house and be in the sun and turn up the music and experience!

Spring is coming soon. :)

I am so weird. Haha, I am such a strange person I think..

I am trying to figure out what to do for my birthday. I want to do something so I don't wind up writing some melodramatic entry in this bad boy about how much I hate the world and the people that consistently let me down as if I should be surprised. Hahah, you know what I mean.

I don't want to have a party because if I had one, I would want to have a dance party, but there is no room to dance in my house. So no party. Casey suggested going somewhere with some close friends and I like that idea a lot. Now I just have to figure out where to go.. For cheap.. Haha. I want to go somewhere kind of anti-typical. Somewhere that people wouldn't be like, "oh yeah! I go there all the time! I love it there!" I think I want to go somewhere in MIchigan; a Michigan town that I don't know well enough or have never been to. I'm currently thinking Grand Rapids or Kalamazoo. I've been to both but haven't really seen either. In Grand Rapids, I stayed in a fancy hotel and walked on the river by myself. Both towns have far more to offer, so I want to explore them. I think I'm leaning towards Grand Rapids right now.. To be honest, cost will probably be the main factor, followed closely by activities. I want to look into what both towns have to offer. I love birthdays.

I made the best mix cd for Jake Boone today. I have a feeling he won't like half of the stuff on it, but I think it's an excellent combination of songs.

I'm making serious headway on movies I should have seen a long time ago. Yesterday I watched The Usual Suspects, Duck Soup, and Moulin Rouge. Today I watched Burn After Reading, Hancock, and Iron Man. I enjoyed most of them, which displeases me.. I'm trying to be more selective in my movie preferences! I have discovered that I have a thing for action movies, which I guess is uncommon for chicksss.

I'd better feel better Wednesday; I can't miss ELECTRIC! Battle of the bands! Ryan Williams would hunt me down and kill me! But seriously.. if I don't start feeling better.. I'll be rather upset I fear.

Bed time! Here's praying for a speedy recovery! :)